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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.